Writing in the Cracks

The art of saying “no”.

I have an amazing husband.

He’s funny, he’s kind, he’s supportive. On our second date, he brought me to Barnes & Noble (and walked around with me until the store closed and the manager asked us to leave). He has sacrificed his own wants to help me pursue my writing dreams, and he has encouraged me through every doubt and worry. He’s a loving dad, he’s a great friend, he’s the kind of man who helps help anybody who needs it.

In short: he’s the dream.

But he’s not a writer.

As wonderful as he is, there are some things about writing that he just doesn’t understand. Because of that, setting boundaries around my writing as a new mom was really difficult, even though he was supportive and understanding. We were both stretched so thin, I felt like I couldn’t ask for any more.

But the problem wasn’t him. It was my expectations. Once I figured out how to manage those, we could work together to make sure we were both getting a fair deal.

How to Set Boundaries That Work

I started with identifying limitations. What challenges will impact your writing routine?

For me, it was breastfeeding. If I wasn’t nursing, I was pumping—and everything in my day, from my diet to my wardrobe to my schedule, was built around that. Even on days that I could get away for a morning of writing, I had to make sure I had access to either a pump or my baby within a few hours.

It was exhausting, but it was important—so I made time for it, and I found a way to fit my writing around it.

Once you know what you need to work around, ask for support. Can your partner take over childcare for an hour or two? Maybe a family member or a trusted friend? What about a responsible teen? Think outside the box as much as possible.

For example, my local library has a really great toddler area with a busy wall, toys, and board books on floor shelves so kids can read and play. As a teacher, I’m lucky enough to have access to a bunch of pre-teens who have babysitting licenses and who already know my kids, so I can turn them loose for an hour or so of play time while I write upstairs in the study rooms on the adult floor.

I’ve also brought my laptop or a notebook to the toddler area and worked there while they played when I couldn’t get a sitter. Maybe you could write at a park or a McDonald’s Playland, or dictate into your phone while you take the kids for a walk—try a few unconventional options and see what works!

After you’ve agreed on a writing routine with your support system, protect that time. I had a problem with this when I first started building my routine. I’d get to my writing time, and then I would use it to check emails, or do marketing work, or look for recipes, or a dozen other things that weren’t writing.

And that was really unfair to myself. I put in the work to secure that time, and I’d made arrangements with other people to make sure I could write. The least I could do was actually write during that time.

My other problem was giving up my writing sessions too easily. If I set aside time in the evening and my husband suggested we watch a movie, I’d cancel my writing session and watch the movie. Now, there’s nothing wrong with that specifically, and there are going to be things that come up that interrupt or make you reschedule your writing sessions sometimes, but you have be intentional about it.

Go back to your orienteering and self-reflection. Use your Writer’s Orienteering Guide (or get this and other downloads for free when you subscribe to my Substack, Write Like a Mother) to check on your progress. Where are you right now? What do you need? Do you need time to reconnect with your partner, or to nap, or to sit in silence and decompress and do nothing? Then absolutely do those things. But if you don’t, then hold those boundaries and use that time to write. Tell the people around you that you’ll be writing so they don’t invite you to do other things during that time. That time is important. Protect it.

Action Items

As you start to build your writing routine,

• identify the limitations within your schedule and plan solutions for them.
• ask for help from your support people and plan ahead so you can work writing sessions into your schedule.
• tell your support people about your writing sessions, and stick to them.

You can also use my Boundary Builder for a mom-specific guide on setting boundaries around your writing. This guide includes sections on how to set boundaries, what exactly to say, how to set boundaries without apologizing, how much to explain, and how to deal with guilt around boundaries. You can also get this guide, and more of my downloads, for free when you subscribe to my Substack, Write Like a Mother.

If you need help planning solutions to your schedule limitations, or if you’ve discovered a creative solution you can share with others, share it in the comments so we can support each other!

Keep writing!

~Rachael